


i love you, but i am scared of myself

by portraitofwlw



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Fluff and Angst, I know its a rare pairing but give it a chance, Implied/Referenced Abuse, In the form of perry, Not all sad but kinda heavy, Renata is more complex than the s2 writers will have you believe, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-05
Updated: 2020-08-05
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:33:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25724404
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/portraitofwlw/pseuds/portraitofwlw
Summary: "I will be able to make toast for her in the mornings, and I will do my best to get it right" -Nina LacourThe most poisonous thought was this: that she didn't deserve any of this, not this life, not these people
Relationships: Renata Klein & Celeste Wright, Renata Klein/Celeste Wright
Comments: 5
Kudos: 38





	i love you, but i am scared of myself

Renata felt disgusted with herself, a feeling she was beginning to realize was growing more and more familiar to her. There was a churning in her stomach right under her belly button that wouldn't leave her alone. It felt like the anxiety that preceded an exam she hadn't prepared for, except it was never quelled. 

To pretend she hadn't felt this way before would have been ludicrous, she spent most of her childhood and early adolescence blanketed by self hatred. _A hurt child never fully heals._ Someone had told her that once, and she was beginning to believe it. Even after all these years, all the money in her bank account, all the people on her payroll, Renata still felt like a tortured little girl. 

But even that came with its own guilt. She wasn't tortured. Not compared to the other women in her life. She'd survived college without feeling a man's forceful hands on her naked body, her parents had been more absent than anything, certainly not threatening presences in her life, and she'd married someone who, as much of an asshole that he was, had never laid a hand on her. What did she have to be upset over? Pre pubescent insults and jabs? Fucking pitiful.

Anxiety. Anger. Disgust. Repeat. 

How she had managed to land the life she had was baffling. 

She understood her career success. Renata fought tooth and nail. She was vicious, and unafraid to get her hands dirty to secure her position in the world. Every dollar she had had her blood on it. But her personal life? That was a mystery to her. How had she ended up with someone like Amabella as a daughter? Sweet, quiet, timid Amabella who liked the Harry Potter books and begged every year for a kitten at Christmas. None of that softness existed in Renata, none of that goodness. How did she find friends like Jane and Bonnie? (Madeline made sense, the two of them were carved from the same stone.) How, of all the people in the world, had a woman like _Celeste_ chosen her? 

That was the root of all her guilt, if Renata was honest with herself (which she rarely was): the parasitic idea that she didn't deserve any of this. Not with the way she acted, the way she treated people. She was angry, angry all the time. She shouted and stomped around and slammed doors and lost her temper when people cut her off on the highway. She was too much like _Perry_. The name made her want to vomit. 

She spent so many nights biting back snarky remarks and breathing deeply when she really wanted to lash out. She loved Celeste, but no relationship was perfect. They disagreed about which movies to watch and where to vacation, and whether or not the kids were old enough to go off to summer camp (they were going to be ten next year). 

Renata had always been one to wear her scars right under her skin, for better or worse, and shoving them down now was poisoning her. Her anger had felt unquellable, but she had calmed it for Celeste. Her volatility had seemed innate, but she had breathed deeply and held her tongue. She had done her best to make herself better, someone Celeste deserved, someone she wanted to be. And yet she was still plagued by how easy it would be to break Celeste's heart, no matter how much she tried not to. 

It was still Renata's first instinct to bite something back at Celeste, to be harsh and apologize later, but she did her best to suppress that; and she would continue to do that for Celeste, because she didn't deserve someone who had to apologize once a week for a stupid comment or a backhanded remark said in the fog of frustration. But that's who Renata was, not so secretly. It ate her up inside when her rage reared its head, made her feel like slapping herself hard enough to bruise. Celeste deserved someone whose first instinct was to soothe, to calm, to heal. Not to fight. 

In fact, there was a chance Celeste felt that way right now. Trapped, unhappy, or worst of all, _frightened_ by Renata. If that was the case Renata might just never recover. 

She wanted to trust Celeste, wanted to have faith that she'd stick up for herself, but she didn't. And she hated herself for that too. 

\---

Celeste was sleeping soundly on the other side of the bed, her back only a few inches from being pressed against Renata's abdomen. Renata's arm had been lazily slung across her stomach, before she'd woken up fifteen minutes ago. Another night interrupted, another morning when she'd inevitably have to make her coffee extra strong to make up for the hours of sleep she'd lose. It felt like weeks since she'd gotten a good night's sleep. 

Renata looked over to Celeste, a genuine smile spreading across her face as she stroked her hair, feather light as not to wake her. Celeste barely got enough sleep as it was, she didn't need Renata waking her up for no reason. 

Even though she didn't want to, Renata slowly left the bed, taking care not to jostle Celeste. Staying in bed meant that she'd eventually make enough noise or move the wrong way and wake her, have to face the look of worry that would cloak Celeste's features at the sight of her, and then have to lie to her again, try to convince her that she's fine. Renata spared Celeste one last lingering glance as she tiptoed out of the room and into her study to get some work done. 

Maybe, if Renata had taken a step back for a moment, she'd realize the absurdity of expecting Celeste to be honest with her when she herself was hiding so much. Or perhaps she'd consider that the nights she'd spent up soothing and cradling Celeste after a particularly bad nightmare without any guilt or frustration at being awoken weren't dissimilar to these nights, when she forced solitude upon herself. Maybe she would've realized that Celeste _wanted_ to be woken up for things like this. 

Instead, Renata allowed herself to be sucked into work, answering some emails and proof-reading proposals from her employees until she felt her eyes start to droop again. It was 4am and her office chair, as comfortable and expensive as it was, was beginning to make her neck stiff. Slowly, groaning softly as her joints popped from sitting for so long, she made her way to her bedroom. She was good about making it back to bed so Celeste would wake up beside her, completely oblivious to her restless sleep. 

When their alarm did ring (at 6:30) Renata felt like her eyes had just closed. Celeste made an unhappy noise, turning to shut off the alarm clock. Renata pulled herself into a sitting position, trying in vain to rub the sleep from her eyes. 

"You look tired," Celeste turned to face her, "did you sleep okay?" 

Renata yawned despite herself but nodded. 

Celeste shot her a disapproving look. 

"Renata…"

"I'm fine, don't worry. Nothing some coffee can't fix." She leaned over and pressed a chaste kiss on Celeste's forehead. "I'll go get the kids up." 

Before Celeste could protest again, Renata had slipped on her robe and gone out of the door. Celeste was left alone in bed, her mind caught between the fog of sleep and the sharp clarity of knowing something was off. 

Renata flicked the light on as she walked into the twins' room, causing both boys to groan and pull the blankets over their heads. 

"Come on, up, up it's time for school." Renata went to Josh's bed first, tugging down the blankets and rubbing his back. When he refused to move, Renata skirted her hands to his neck and began to tickle him. He let out a screech and twisted around, attempting to escape. Out of the corner of her eye, Renata could see Max leap up and head for the door.

"Stop! Please I'll get up!" Josh pleaded.

Renata gave in, stopping the torture and pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

"I'll meet you downstairs."

Next Renata went to wake Amabella, the easiest of the three to get up. When she entered her room, Amabella was sleeping soundly, undisturbed by the chaotic morning. 

"Ama," Renata said, stroking the girl's cheek, "it's time for school." 

Amabella's eyes fluttered open, then closed again momentarily. 

"Already?" 

"I'm afraid so." 

Amabella stretched out almost like a cat would do, and swung her legs out of bed. Renata lingered in the doorway to watch her grumble and rub the sleep from her eyes, looking almost like Celeste in her mannerisms. 

"I'll see you downstairs for breakfast."

The rest of the morning passed with little issue, one minor accident resulting in a puddle of orange juice on the counter being the only thing out of the routine. Celeste cooked eggs and served them with some cereal, Renata made the coffee strong enough to give her heart palpitations. It was her turn to drive the kids to school, which meant they would likely leave with barely enough time to be on time. It was her philosophy that there was no reason to waste time and leave early when you could leave five minutes later and be just as on time. Still they always made it, thanks to Renata's impeccable planning and her slightly worrying frivolity with speed limits. 

"Mind if I join you?" Celeste asked, pressing a kiss to Renata's lips when she stood up from where she was loading the dishwasher.

"You don't have to race into the office?"

"I only have back work to do today, I'd much rather spend a few more minutes with you." 

Renata hesitated for a split second, then smiled.

"Well how could I say no to that?"

\---

"Do you want to get a drink tonight?" Renata asked Jane, who was leaning against her car and watching Ziggy insert himself into the crowd flooding into the elementary school. 

"I don't know if I'll be able to get a sitter…" Jane hesitated, "You could come over to my place if that works."

"That's great, thanks Jane." Renata looked relieved. 

"Just the two of us?" 

"Yeah, I need to talk to you."

Jane tore her eyes away from Ziggy to look at Renata curiously. They had become quite close despite their rocky introduction, but it was still unusual for Renata to confide in anyone. 

"Is everything alright?"

"I'll talk to you tonight." Renata smiled and pulled her into a hug. 

That did little to dispel Jane's worries, but she returned the hug and let her walk back to her car anyway. 

Madeline and Celeste were deep in conversation when Renata made her way back to the car, stopping abruptly as she walked within earshot. 

"I'll talk to you later honey, bye bye." Madeline waved and began to walk off, smiling at Renata when she passed her. 

"Ready to go?" 

Celeste nodded and got into the passenger's seat. 

\---

For Renata, walking into the office was like dawning a new persona altogether, or rather pushing every hard aspect of her personality to the forefront. Here she was made of steel and gold and dressed to the nines in Chanel, eye catching, impenetrable, awe inspiring. At work Renata was the top of the food chain, calling all of the shots, assuming the leadership role as if it was made for her. 

"Tia-" she called to her assistant from her desk, "call Jeff and tell him I need to see him asap about his spreadsheets after my meeting." 

The young woman nodded and picked up her phone to make the call without a word. 

After a few moments of replying to the emails that had already piled up in the twelve hours since she last checked them, Renata's cell rang, the caller ID displaying the number to Otter Bay's front desk. She immediately straightened her posture, on the offensive, ready to attack if anything had happened to Amabella. Things were better at school then they had been at the start of elementary school, especially now that Max and Josh were looking out for her when Renata couldn't, but the memories of Amabella coming home with bruises everyday were still too fresh. 

"Hello?" 

"Hello Ms. Klein-" the voice was that of the secretary, not the principal, and Renata relaxed into her seat, "Amabella left her lunch at home today, is it possible for you to bring it in before noon?" 

"Of course, it'll be there shortly." 

Once Renata had ended the call she gestured for one of the interns to come into her office. The boy-- because he was barely nineteen-- who came in was Renata's favorite of the bunch, and the one least fearful of her.

"Jack I need you to go to my house and get my daughter's lunchbox. It'll be on the kitchen counter. It looks like this-" she held her phone out showing a picture of Amabella with the Star Wars themed bag, "can you do that for me?" 

"Yes Ms. Klein." 

"Good, I'll text you the address, bring my keys back to me immediately after." Renata looked at him intensely. 

Jack didn't squirm under her gaze, an admirable feat as Renata was giving him a look that would've tested a navy seal's resolve.

"Of course Ms. Klein." And with that, he was gone. 

Before she could get fully immersed in her work again, it was time for Renata to go to the monthly board meeting, her budget plans in tow. 

A board meeting always came with it the promise of Renata's nerves being tested by men who thought they had the brain capacity not only to go toe-to-toe with Renata, but to overpower her. However, she wasn't about to let herself be pushed around, not by men who thought a business degree from Harvard and the complexion of a slightly more opaque ghost was enough to guarantee their power in the world. She strode into the glass conference room with her head held high, 5'11 stature on full display. 

"Good morning." She said simply, and took her seat at the head of the table. "Let's not waste any more time, we all have important things to get back to."

The meeting was, as expected, full of objections to even the most obvious of budgetary concerns. Her own bankruptcy was brought up in subtle jabs even years later, as well as questions of her ability to handle the stress of this job. As assured as Renata was in her ability to lead her company, forever having to scream to be heard was irritating at best, and exhausting at worst. She longed not to be the only woman in the room, for once. 

When she returned to her desk a fresh cappuccino was sitting there, still piping hot. Renata looked up and caught Tia's eye, smiling and beckoning the assistant in.

"Come in and sit, I could use a few minutes of stimulating conversation for once." Renata took a sip of her coffee, feeling the headache at the edges of her vision recede at the much needed caffeine.

\---

Jane sat on the couch slowly, still the slightest bit awkward with everyone even all this time later. She held a mug of tea in her hands, clasping the warm ceramic to heat up her hands. Renata sat across from her, sipping from her own mug. 

They sat in silence for a few moments, listening to the sounds of the creaking wood swaying in the wind (Jane still hadn't moved out of her tiny house, to Renata's dismay). Ziggy was over at one of his friend's houses for the night, a special treat as a reward for his spectacular report card. Although it was nice to have the privacy without him here, there was also an added element of seriousness, a weight to a meeting so private. 

"How is Ziggy?" Renata broke the silence, still speaking softly, as if she didn't want to  
rupture the stillness of the air. 

"He's good, happy, which is all I can ask for." 

"I'm glad." 

"How are Amabella and the boys?"

"They're good. Amabella is spending all of her time reading these days, much to the boys' dismay. They've already started begging to go to camp next summer." 

Jane grinned and made a noise of understanding.

"Boys… what a joy." 

Renata laughed, feeling a momentary relief from the weight on her chest.

"And how are you?" Jane asked.

The weight settled again and crawled up her throat. She should've known Jane would pick up on her melancholy mood, she could read her as well as a therapist. 

Renata dropped her head down to look at her mug, admiring the tiny ripples on the dark, slightly brown tea water, grounding herself for a second before lifting it again.

"I'm managing."

"Managing?"

"Things have been… difficult lately."

"With Celeste?"

Renata breathed out a long, heavy sigh. 

"Yes and no."

Jane waited for her to elaborate, leaving the space for her to speak, forcing her to continue unprompted, to say the words she needed to, not the ones that were drawn out of her. 

"I'm so tired of fighting with myself. I feel so fucking conflicted about the whole thing."

"What whole thing?"

Renata shot her a sharp look. She wasn't at therapy, and as much as she loved Jane and her tendency to act as though she had a PhD in psychology, she didn't want to feel like she was either. 

"Do you think I'm good for her? For Celeste?"

Jane looked legitimately taken aback by the question. 

"Are you serious?"

"I just-" Renata considered keeping her mouth shut, not telling anyone the embarrassing truth of her emotions. "I feel so beaten up inside, for no good reason. She's been through so much, and here I am with nothing to complain about, complaining to you." 

Jane was quiet for a moment, trying to pick the best tasting words for what she needed to say.

"I don't want her to go through anything more, I just want things to be good for her." Renata added.

"What makes you think that things aren't good for her right now? That you're not good for her?"

Renata rubbed her eyes tiredly. 

"I just have a horrible feeling." 

\---

Renata took a deep gulping breath of the fresh air as she stepped out of her car. It was late, probably around ten, and a few faint stars could be made out even with the light pollution from the city. Paired with the sound of the waves lapping at the cliffs below, you could almost imagine you were somewhere much more romantic, a cliff out of a Greek tragedy or an Emily Brontë novel.

She opened the door and shed her coat, taking in the stillness of the house. Everything today had felt so still, apart from work. It was almost unnerving, like there should've been a storm swirling around her, like there was one just around the corner she couldn't quite see. She knew the kids were in bed, Celeste had called her at 8:30 so she could say goodnight to them, but it was still jarring nonetheless to find the house so quiet. Before she could so much as step past the entryway, Celeste's voice called out to her, splitting the air right open, like a firework crackling in the dead of night. 

"Renata, is that you?" 

Renata slid her shoes off and walked into the living room. 

"How was your night with Jane?" 

"It was good, nice to see her, it's been awhile since just the two of us talked." 

Celeste nodded and hummed. 

"Come lay down with me." She said, fluttering the fingers on her outstretched hand.

It took almost no convincing for Renata to acquiesce and join Celeste on the couch, maneuvering them until Celeste was fit snugly against her side. Renata didn't consider herself a clingy person, with Gordon she had never been one to cuddle or be overly touchy. But with Celeste, she found great comfort in simply feeling their skin pressed together. 

"Did you eat?" 

"I had a little something at Jane's, I'll heat up some leftovers before we go to bed."

"I made you a plate earlier, it's in the kitchen under tinfoil. It might still need to be reheated. I can go grab it if you'd like-"

Renata tightened her arm around Celeste's waist and shook her head. 

"Later, later. Stay here for a little while longer ok?"

Celeste relaxed into her side and nodded.

"How was your day?" Renata asked, moving her hand under the collar of Celeste's soft sweater. She could feel Celeste's heartbeat pick up a little under the pads of her fingers.

"It was a slow day, I'm in between cases like I said this morning. All there was to do was paperwork. How did your board meeting go?"

"Ugh. I don't want to talk about that…" Renata rolled her eyes and shifted to get a clearer view of Celeste. "But as well as you can imagine."

"I'm sure we can think of something to get your mind off of it." Celeste drew their lips together, deliberately, the intention clear behind it. They were so close together already that they barely had to lean in at all. Renata brushed a bit of hair out of her eyes and let herself be drawn forward again into something languid, despite the fact that they were both fully clothed and in the living room where anyone could see them. The lightness of the mood hadn't dissipated, but girlish smiles were absent from the kiss, and in their place were firm hands under Celeste's sweater and a damp patch of skin underneath her jawline that had been kissed red. 

Celeste pressed tighter against her, ready to move further, when Renata's stomach growled. They broke apart, laughing, and Celeste pulled them both upwards, the lightness injected back into the atmosphere of the room.

"You need to eat, come on." She pressed a kiss to Renata's temple. 

\---

"This is great." Renata complimented in between her bites of the reheated salmon and kale. 

Celeste smiled at her and laughed. 

"It's overcooked and only half warm, but thank you."

"Well I'd rather be eating this right now than any dish at a five star restaurant. And you know I have incredible taste." 

They were both laughing after that, Renata doing her best not to choke on another bite of fish. 

"Here." Renata held her fork out for Celeste to take a bite. She reluctantly opened her mouth, clearly only going along because it was Renata. "Mmmmmm yum." Renata exaggerated, as if she was feeding a child.

That sent the two of them into another fit of giggles, maybe brought on by the wine, although they hadn't had very much, or maybe the late hour, or maybe just each other's company. 

After about an hour, once they had settled down and it had grown too late to justify staying up when they had work the next morning, Celeste and Renata found themselves in bed.

"Come here." Celeste pulled lightly at Renata's shoulder, moving her closer. She moved without resistance, already half asleep in the soft sheets. From an outsider's perspective it might have been unclear where one ended and the other began, Celeste's head in the crook of Renata's neck and Renata's arms thrown around her protectively, limbs interlocking and fitting snugly together in the darkness.

\---

That night when Renata awoke it was just past two, only a few hours after she'd gone to sleep. She wanted to cry in frustration the second her eyes opened. It was uncommon for multiple nights in a row to be this restless. Normally she'd toss and turn and worry until she fell asleep, but then she'd manage to stay unconscious until the morning, if only by the skin of her teeth. Nights when she had to get up were more rare. But it was shaping up to be a particularly bad week.

Just as the night before, Renata tiptoed her way to the out of the room, tucking her robe around her this time because the late fall chill was beginning to settle over Monterey. 

She crept into Amabella's room, wincing when the door creaked. She just needed to see her daughter, to feel the comfort of knowing there was at least one person in her life that benefited from her presence. 

It had been a good evening. A good day. There was no reason for her doubt to press in on her brain, suffocating it, yet it did. It was the worst when she was sleeping, when she couldn't control how it twisted her dreams and screwed her psyche.

_She had never felt pain like this. The only thing comparable was the feeling of despair when Amabella wouldn't speak up for herself, wouldn't help Renata stop her from getting hurt. But this time, she was the one causing the pain, not just watching it be inflicted._

_Celeste was laying on the bathroom floor, hair splayed around her like a halo, crying. Renata couldn't remember what it was she'd done, which made everything worse. What kind of person did it make her that she couldn't recall what she'd done to cause this much pain? All she knew was that Celeste wouldn't let her anywhere near her, wouldn't say anything to her other than, "get out! Please, don't hurt me! Just go, please, please just go!"_

_Renata wanted to tear her throat out, wanted to torture herself for whatever it is she'd done. This was not torture enough, she needed more, needed to hurt as much as Celeste was, worse. She needed to repent, to walk on hot coals or through the fires of hell. Her guilt felt bigger than her, felt like a Catholic guilt, the kind of guilt that runs in your veins and consumes you._

Renata slid into the tiny twin bed and held Amabella against her chest, so close it was almost as if they were a part of each other again. She needed to feel her, all of the love that Amabella still had for her. The irony of a parent seeking comfort in their child after a nightmare wasn't lost on her. But Amabella didn't squirm when Renata pulled her close, didn't fight her off or show any shred of annoyance. If it wasn't for her eyes fluttering open it wouldn't have been obvious she was even awake. All she did was lay her head down over Renata's heart, listening to the steady ba-bum of the muscle beating, letting herself be lulled back to sleep by it. 

"My beautiful girl." Renata whispered, stroking the long blonde hair down Amabella's back. She had refused to get it trimmed last month, so it was a bit unkempt and wispy, even more so from sleep. "I love you." Renata could feel tears start to pool on her lashes, but forced them to remain unshed.

Being able to do this, to hold Amabella, made her feel like there was something warm in her, because Amabella had been a part of her, and she was the epicenter of all that was good in Renata’s eyes. There was validation in simply having her close, affirmation that not everything about Renata was hard. 

After a little while Renata left the bedroom for her office, kissing Amabella on the forehead before doing so. 

If there was one positive thing to come out of this ordeal, it was that Renata was unusually productive, getting work done days in advance and smoothing out issues long before they became catastrophic instead of barely catching them in time. Not that that made this feeling anywhere near worth it. She would've traded all the productivity in the world if it would quell the doubt that festered in her mind.

Even with her increased productivity, there was still plenty of work to be done. It was something of a security blanket for Renata. She was good at her job, objectively. She was smart, stern but not uncaring, and she worked well under pressure. Her company was thriving, even after her bankruptcy two years ago. So when the clock on her laptop displayed 3:30 and her eyes began to ache and beg for sleep, she still attempted to finish the revised budget chart she was working on. There wasn't much left to it, and the unerring quiet of in the dark of night offered the perfect environment for focusing on columns and columns of numbers. Any other time and she may have been tempted to abandon the project for tomorrow.

\---

When the alarm went off at 6:30 sharp Celeste grimaced and shut it off, as she always did. She turned over, expecting Renata's warmth next to her, her soft features, untouched by makeup or the day's stress, staring back at her. But her eyes were met with an empty spot where Renata should've been, and cool sheets, indicating the bed had been empty for a while. It was a jolt to the system, like standing under a stream of icy water. The bed looked foreign without Renata there to fill its other half. 

Celeste walked into the ensuite bathroom, which was also void of Renata, brushed her teeth and combed through her tangled hair. She had reason for concern, but not panic. Once she was done she threw on a comfortable pair of leggings and a shirt, not worried too much about appearances on days when she didn't have to go into the office. The thought crossed her mind that maybe Renata was downstairs cooking already, which was unlikely but not impossible, but the lack of noise quickly dismissed the idea. When Renata attempted to cook the kitchen was filled with sounds of her rushing around, humming along to music, and swearing under her breath when she made a mistake.

She wasn't in Amabella's room, nor the twins' when Celeste went to wake them up. Celeste was sharper with the boys this morning than she normally would be, the result of her growing stress. It was only as she walked back to the bedroom to see if Renata had magically reappeared, that she spotted something strange in Renata's office. She pushed open the door and found, to her surprise, Renata bent over on her desk, asleep. 

It took her a moment before she was able to speak or move, the shock of the situation temporarily paralyzing her. Not that it wasn’t common knowledge that Renata was a workaholic, she was, but once she was home she usually did a good job of separating the spheres of her life and not getting sucked back into work. And she had been in bed last night, they had fallen asleep together, so her having gotten up in the night to work was confusing.

“Renata?” Celeste moved closer to where she was lying on the desk, gently moving some hair out of her face. 

Renata’s eyes shot open, panic filling them as she realized where she was. 

“Celeste! What time is it?”

“Almost seven. I have to go and start on breakfast soon.”

Renata took a minute to get her bearings, clearly disoriented. 

“I’ll be down in a minute, I just need to take a quick shower.” 

A tense silence settled over the two of them, neither moving from their spots. 

“Are you alright-”

Before she could finish Renata answered. 

“I’m fine, just a little tired is all.” 

\---

Breakfast was an awkward affair. Amabella was practically glued to Renata's side once she finally emerged from the bathroom upstairs and joined the rest of them at the table, and the conversation left unfinished hung heavy in the air. Before her appearance it hadn't been much better, Celeste had burned the first three pancakes and nearly cut herself slicing strawberries all before any of the kids were even seated at the table. Then she'd had to endure questions of where Renata was and why she wasn't eating with them (mostly from the boys, Amabella was quiet as if she knew more than she was letting on). Her presence, slightly damp hair, dark circles and all, had been somewhat of a relief. But her eyes looked guilty, for what Celeste didn't know.

"Could you help me clean up a few things?" Celeste didn't really have to ask, it was assumed that Renata would do most of the cleanup if she cooked, but today she didn't want the possibility of Renata slipping away without talking to Celeste. 

Renata smiled at her, one that didn't quite reach her eyes, and nodded. It felt like a show for the kids, and Celeste immediately hated being in this position. 

Once they were alone in the kitchen, the kids upstairs and occupied with getting dressed, Celeste spoke freely. 

"Renata," she drew the attention of the other woman currently cleaning the pan used to make the pancakes, "what's wrong?" 

"Nothing is wrong." Renata smiled at her again.

"Don't lie to me, we agreed we wouldn't do that."

Renata seemed to somber significantly.

"You haven't been sleeping well?"

"No, not for a few weeks." 

"Weeks? Why didn't you say something?" 

"It's not important, nothing you had to be woken up for and worry about."

"Don't you think I should get a say in what I should worry about?"

"It's really not a big deal, it's just restlessness." 

Celeste scanned her with a critical eye. Before she could speak again, Max was bounding into the kitchen, a backpack in tow. 

"Ready mom?"

"Almost honey, why don't you go wait by the door, I'll be right there." 

Max ran to hug Renata and then scampered off to the other room.

"Can we continue this conversation when I get back?"

"I don't know… I need to get into the office fairly soon."

"Could you take part of the morning off? It might be beneficial to get a little more sleep, and we could talk before you go in." 

"With the budget meetings I don't think I can today, besides, the tiredness is nothing some coffee can't fix." Renata drummed her fingers on her mug, attempting to lighten the mood.

Celeste remained worried, not buying into Renata's excuses. She understood asking her to take time off for her own health was a long shot, but it didn't mean she believed Renata couldn't spare an hour or two.

"Can we talk tonight? It's important." 

"Of course, I'll make sure to be home before six." 

Celeste could see the pain shrouded behind Renata's blue eyes, but she couldn't do anything about it, couldn't even offer her a comforting touch before Renata had slipped out the door and upstairs. All she could do was pull on a pair of shoes and a nice coat and herd the kids out of the door and into the car. 

\---

Renata was exhausted inside and out. She felt achy all over, in her back and her neck from the awkward sleeping position, and in her heart from this lie she'd been maintaining too long. She didn't feel okay, felt more like there was a rabbit slowly nibbling away at her insides every day. What would she tell Celeste tonight? How would she explain that she was upset over her own failure? That she was distraught over the idea that she wasn't good for Celeste. 

Her reflection looked like shit, the sleep deprivation beginning to show on her face. It took her longer than normal to get ready with the additional steps to her normally quick makeup routine. Appearances weren't everything, but they were when you were the face of a company. She couldn't afford to look drained and weary. Not to mention the coffee this morning hadn't been enough to wake her fully, so she was already looking forward to and planning her mid morning Starbucks run. 

\---

The car ride to school was average in every sense of the word. Celeste had flicked on the radio to avoid having to be alone with her thoughts, and underneath the radio was the chatter from the backseat. Today the kids were having an assembly about ocean wildlife, something it was clear they were excited about. Celeste barely had time to kiss all three of them goodbye and hand them their lunchboxes before they were rushing to the entrance of the school. 

A few paces away stood Jane, Bonnie, and Madeline, all chatting near Madeline's car. Celeste locked her doors and headed over, deciding not to race home in hopes of catching Renata before she left for work. 

"Hi guys." 

Madeline flashed her a thousand watt smile and tugged her closer, compensating for her dull mood a million times over. 

"We were just talking about going to Blue's, do you want to come?" 

"Um, sure yeah that sounds good." Celeste couldn't quite keep the waver out of her voice. Something about being alone made her process what she felt was coming; and that was worse than having to process something that'd already happened, because she was worried about all the possibilities of the future at the same time. 

Bonnie was eyeing her with a concerned expression on her face. 

"Are you alright? Celeste?" She asked, placing a gentle hand on her arm.

Even Madeline looked concerned now, having been dragged out of her own world. 

"Honey? Are you feeling okay?" Madeline put a hand on her other arm.

"Yeah, can we just maybe go somewhere more private?" 

Someone took Celeste by the arm and led her into the backseat of Madeline's car, probably a wise decision considering her sudden feeling of being utterly overwhelmed. Madeline was next to her and Bonnie was in the driver's seat, and all of the sudden they were parked in a small lot overlooking the water. 

"What's going on?" Madeline had a hand on her shoulder, finally able to comfortably reach it now that they were sitting down. 

Celeste took a moment to get her bearings, embarrassed by the confusing bout of panic that had overtaken her.

"Fuck…" Celeste took a breath, "I'm fine, I don't know why I freaked out like that."

"Did something happen this morning?" Bonnie asked.

Jane was noticeably quiet.

"I had a talk with Renata, it's confusing, but I think something is wrong with her. She hasn't been sleeping." Celeste didn't want to share much more, opting to keep some of Renata's secrets for herself. 

"You two had dinner last night didn't you? Did she say something to you?" Madeline turned to Jane.

"We did, yeah…" --Jane hesitated-- "but I don't think I should share what she said." Madeline huffed. "I don't know, it feels wrong." 

"It's fine Jane, you don't have to say." Celeste told her, soothing her nerves although her mind was begging for answers. Everyone wanted answers from her when she didn't even have them herself. 

"I'm gonna get out for a second to get some fresh air. I'll be right back." She said, needing a moment of solitude. She unclipped her seatbelt and walked out towards the railing at the edge of the parking lot. It was beautiful, the sharp cliffs against the brilliant blue ocean, the spray of the waves kicking up into the air and roaring with every crash. She could almost feel the fog lifting from her eyes with every deep breath she took.

She pulled her phone out and typed a text to Renata, having calmed down enough to confidently make a coherent sentence.

'We should bring the kids to the beach one more time before it gets too cold. Talk to you tonight, love you'

\---

Renata was finding it difficult to fit into her skin right now. The usually tight fitting, seamless role of the cold hearted bitch was making her head pound and her eyes throb. She wanted to scream at someone, and simultaneously go home and cry in the shower. The conversation that was to happen that night was weighing heavily on her mind, and there was a sound possibility the lack of sleep built up from weeks of stress, and the lack of caffeine pumping through her veins were also factors at play in making her head throb. 

"Tia? I'm going out for coffee." Renata said, massaging her eyes.

"I can have it delivered here Ms. Klein, you don't have to go out--"

"No, Tia, I want to go out, I need to go out. Alright? I'll be back in half an hour." She said, walking briskly towards the elevator, leaving no further room for questioning. 

The elevator ride was still stifling, but once Renata had gone out of the front doors of the office building, she felt as though she could finally take a deep breath. Her anxiety hadn't vanished, but not having the walls closing in on her certainly helped to alleviate it. When she got in her car to drive to Starbucks, she rolled all of her windows down, clipping her hair back to keep it from whipping around her head; she felt she needed a million miles of space to take up, like her worries oozed out of her, threatening to drown her, and that, in order to keep afloat she needed the space to fill an entire ocean with them. 

She dreaded going back indoors to order her coffee.

When she did gather the resolve to step out of her car and into the shop, she focused on the sweet smell of frosted pastries and coffee grounds instead of the warm, breathed-in air all around her. It was fairly busy, a line a few people long already waiting to place an order. Renata took a deep breath in and joined them.

The woman behind her in line tapped her on the shoulder suddenly and Renata recognized her as Angelica, another mother of a little girl Renata couldn’t remember the name of at Otter Bay. Her hair was a bleach blonde now instead of a sandy brown, but her bordering on abrasive tan remained the same as always. She flashed Renata a smile so fake it filled the air with a syrupy taste, which Renata did not reciprocate. 

"Hi Renata."

"Hello Angelica."

Renata wanted desperately for the line to move along quicker.

"How're Celeste and her boys? And Amabella?"

The distinction bothered Renata, as if they weren't a unit, as if there existed a line between Celeste's kids and Renata's kids. 

"We're all fine." 

"Glad to hear it. Celeste looks good now." The undercut of _better than before_ was hardly subtle. 

Renata felt herself prickle further. Damn this woman and her ability to get under her skin. 

She was brought back to their last meeting, nearly a year and a half ago, which was likely the reason for the hostility between them. Renata had previously had a few choice words for Angelica after she'd caught her not so discretely staring and listening in whenever Celeste was around. She was desperate for gossip, as was everyone else in Monterey, but anyone with a brain in their head knew to tread lightly around Celeste, Jane, and Bonnie. Having both Renata Klein and Madeline Mackenzie in your corner tended to ward off most of the vultures. That would've been the end of it, if Angelica had not taken it upon herself to further insert herself into problems she had no business in, Celeste's mental state, for example. That was Renata's breaking point. 

The exact details were blurry to her, likely because of the adrenaline pumping through her veins at the time of the confrontation, but Renata can remember saying something akin to," stay in your own fucking business if you'd like your husband to stay in his mediocre position at Adobe, and maybe worry about who's been in his bed before you go around peering into other people's personal lives." There could have been mentions of Angelica's affinity for last year's fashion, and handbags that looked suspiciously like knockoffs, but if there was, how much could Renata really be to blame? Those were fixable offenses, especially with a healthy salary like her husband's. 

"We're all doing well." Renata repeated herself, her tone growing colder with every word. The familiar feeling of anger and protectiveness was trickling into her mind, quieting her anxiety.

It was her turn in line, finally. 

"A cappuccino." 

The barista knew her, and didn't ask her any further questions, simply accepted the debit card and swiped it. 

"It's nice that you two are still together, Celeste clearly has a type." 

Renata snatched the card from between the fingers of the cashier and whipped around. 

"What do you mean by that, Angelica?" 

The trickle of anger had morphed into a waterfall, flooding her vision in red. 

Angelica seemed to quickly realize the mistake she'd just made, because she barely managed to squeak out an order to the barista. 

"Nothing Renata, I didn't mean any harm." 

_You did mean harm, you meant to insinuate I'm like Perry, that we're on a similar level._

Renata forced Angelina to sit in silence until her drink appeared and she grabbed it from the counter, turning to face her. Renata noticed she was now a safe distance from her, having taken a few steps away. 

"In the future, watch your fucking mouth and try taking a fraction of a second to think about what you're about to say instead of simply spewing every thought you having into the world. Especially when it comes to my relationships." And with that, she was out the door.

With the anger slowly seeping away, Renata needed a quiet place to exist for a few moments. She couldn’t return to the office immediately, needing to be free of ever encroaching walls. She opted for an empty parking lot a few miles down the road, far enough away from the traffic that you could hear the birds and the insects in the tall grass nearby. She savored her time, opening her car door and relishing in the fleeting moments without demands or worries resting on her. 

The rest of the day ran smoother, with Renata in a slightly better mood with coffee in her veins and her mind placated. 

\---

When Renata returned for the evening-- at five o’clock sharp, with plenty of time before dinner like she promised-- the weight of dread settled heavier in her stomach than before. She and Celeste had reached an unsung agreement that they would not clue the children into what was going on, not before they themselves knew. Business was conducted as normal, a fairly healthy dinner was set out on the table, and the children whined and moaned about having to eat brussel sprouts in order to get the cupcakes Renata had brought home from a meeting. They had begged to watch a movie after dinner, but settled for an episode of The Mandalorian, which all three kids were currently obsessed with. 

Despite the normalcy of every action, the air felt different. Renata and Celeste both did their best to act as though nothing was bothering them-- joking with twins and laughing along when they told a funny story from the school day, and prompting Amabella to speak up about the newest book she was reading (and scolding the boys if they teased her) but every time they caught each other’s gaze, there was an unspoken heaviness. 

When they were alone and the pretence was dropped, the air grew gloomy around them, as if reacting to their emotions. Renata stood cleaning the counters as Celeste finished drying the pans they had used. The kids were still on the couch in the living room, far enough away to be oblivious to anything happening in the kitchen. 

“Renata.” Celeste said out of nowhere, drawing Renata’s attention to her. 

“Yeah?” 

Celeste walked closer to where Renata stood against the counter. As she came nearer, there was an almost fearful expression on Renata’s face. _Were they going to have this discussion now? Was Renata really prepared for it?_ But when Celeste was an arms length away, she didn’t speak, all she did was place a hand on Renata’s shoulder, a gesture that spoke a million words, and guided her into a hug. 

“It’ll be okay.” Celeste said, even if she didn’t know that that was true. 

When they pulled apart, Renata gave her an almost genuine smile. 

“I have to jump in the shower, I'll be out in half an hour.” Celeste said, pressing a peck onto Renata’s lips. She was going to make the most out of these last few moments when she didn’t know what was going on. 

“I’ll put the kids to bed.” Renata replied, following her out of the kitchen and stopping Max from clicking play on another episode of the tv show. Celeste could hear him complain, but then start to giggle at something Renata was doing, and then, a few seconds later, the rumble of three sets of feet running up the stairs.

Celeste let the water run over her longer than she normally would have, longer than was probably environmentally friendly, because it gave her the space to think. It was soothing, rubbing the shampoo into her scalp slowly, methodically, and it was mindless enough that her mind wandered to memories of when she and Renata had first bought this house, how they had spent many mornings wasting time under the steady stream of the water. She thought of how Renata’s hair fell when it was wet and the curl was almost erased from it, over her shoulders and down just past her neck. How Renata had attempted to help dye Josh’s hair red with temporary dye, even as she privately grimaced at how tacky it looked, and despite the fact that she was adamant against getting her hands dirty. It hurt to imagine Renata hurting, and hurt even worse to know she was. Celeste was happy, happier than she had been in her entire adult life, and to realize Renata wasn’t, for one reason or another, was devastating. The rug had been yanked from beneath her feet, and her reality had turned out to be a half mirage in a moment's time. 

When Celeste came back from the bathroom, her hair still damp, dressed in a silk tank top and a pair of matching shorts, Renata was sitting in the living room, waiting for her in the armchair she always sat in. Celeste warmed at the familiarity of the image. 

"Hi." Celeste said when she crossed the threshold into the room. Renata stood up from her chair.

"Hey."

It felt wrong for them to be this detached. Renata was still in her work blouse, granted with more comfortable pants on, but still much more formal than Celeste's pajamas. She hadn’t taken it off when she had gotten home, and Celeste knew her well enough to recognize it as her breastplate, a piece of her armor still on in case of any attacks. 

"So, we should talk." The words sounded clumsy, but Celeste didn’t know quite how to begin. 

"I know." 

"I'm worried about you, the fact that you haven't been sleeping."

"It's not that I haven't been sleeping-"

"Not well." Renata crossed her arms, further blocking her heart from any stray bullets. "What's been bothering you? Are you feeling alright?"

"I'm not sick. I'm fine."

"Those are two different things." 

"They don't have to be."

"They are for you, right now." Celeste flashed her a sad smile. "Please tell me what's going on."

Renata pressed the palms of her hands to her eyes.

"It's complicated."

"Try me."

Renata took a deep breath, the catch of it in her throat audible in the room that also seemed to be holding its breath.

"Tell me you're not miserable." 

Celeste had to lean in to hear Renata's near whisper. When she did make sense of the words, her mind went white. Whatever she had been preparing herself for, it wasn’t that. She felt a bit like a car skidding on ice, unable to gain any traction with the earth.

"What?"

"Tell me I don't make you miserable."

"What- what the hell are you saying? I can't understand what's happening here." 

Renata sank back into her chair, as if accepting defeat. 

"Do you ever wonder if the reason you love me is because I'm so similar to _him_? That I'm not good for you at all, that I'm toxic, just like he was, and that's why you're drawn to me?" Renata was inconsolable, letting the words pour out.

Celeste could hardly move. The thought hadn't ever crossed her mind, but now that it was there, she wanted to be sick. It felt foreign, like betrayal, to put Renata and Perry in the same category. The thought was poisonous, and she wanted to be rid of it immediately.

"What?" Disbelief was evident in Celeste's voice. "Are you kidding me? You think you're like Perry?" Renata flinched at the name. "You're _nothing_ like him."

"Celeste. I am an angry person, I feel so fucking angry sometimes it concerns me! You've seen me blow up before." 

"But that doesn't-"

"How! How does that not make me like him?" 

"Do you really think I'd still be here if I thought you were like Perry?" 

"I don't know Celeste! I don't know. I want to believe that you would get yourself out again, but would you?" 

Celeste's eyes flashed with hurt.

"I can't believe you don't trust me. I have been through hell, I know what that feels like, and it's not this, you should have enough faith in my competency to know that, at the very least." 

"It's not a question of your competency, your intelligence, any of that! I'm just so fucking scared, all the time." 

"What do you have to possibly be scared of." Celeste's voice had an even tone to it that was more heartbreaking than the most desperate of sobs.

"I'm terrified that I'll hurt you, that I've been hurting you. I'm not a good person Celeste. I tried so hard to be." Renata shattered through the thick glass in the air between them, letting her blood seep through.

The anger in the room hadn't dissipated, but Renata's overwhelming need for comfort was more compelling than that, would always be more compelling than an argument, no matter its intensity. 

Celeste walked over to the chair Renata had sunk into and pulled her up and into an embrace. Renata fought for a second, squirming to get out of her arms, but Celeste held tight, using her small height avantage to hold her. Once Renata was still, she placed both her hands along Renata's jaw and moved to look her in the eyes. 

"Listen to me, don't talk. You are wonderful, and flawed, and passionate. You have a temper and you're protective and you care so much that you'll do anything for your family. You get frustrated, and you bottle things up, and you can be a hardass at times, but would you ever hit me? Would you?"

Renata's watery blue eyes widened. 

"Never."

"Exactly." Celeste let her thumb brush away a tear that had begun to streak down Renata's cheek. "You will never be Perry. It is impossible. Your temper does not make you him. Never once have I felt anything but loved and safe around you, and I'm positive the same can be said about the boys, and about Amabella."

Renata's eyes closed, sending another batch of tears cascading down her face. 

"Look at me." Celeste urged them back open. "I love you. I love you so much. And you need to trust that I know what's good for me, and what's good for Josh and Max. I'm capable-" 

Renata opened her mouth to speak in defense of herself, but was quickly cut off.

"No, listen. I am capable and confident in my ability to judge my relationships. You need to be too. I will tell you if something is wrong, and I expect the same from you. No more hiding." 

It was barely a second before Renata's arms were around her, clutching onto her like a lifeline of sorts.

"I'm sorry." Renata choked out, partially muffled by Celeste's shoulder.

Celeste stroked her hair softly.

"It's alright, it's okay."

"I love you. I want to be good."

Celeste pulled back slightly and pressed her forehead against Renata's. She was still crying, little tears now, tears of relief instead of grief, and being this close Celeste could see the almost fat dry tear tracks running down the length of her cheek from earlier.

"You already are good." She grasped Renata's cheeks firmly, forcing their eyes to meet. "You are good. And I love you." 

Renata pulled them both down into the armchair, long legs spilling out of it as they unsuccessfully tried to fit them both in. Regardless, they stayed put, not paying attention to any discomfort the position may have caused. 

“I haven’t been able to sleep well for a long time. I kept having these dreams that would wake me up.” Renata said, not necessarily to Celeste, but more to herself, as a way to get it off her chest. “You’re beautiful when you sleep.”

“You should’ve woken me up.” Celeste craned her neck to look in Renata’s eyes, not speaking with any condemnation in her voice. 

“I know that now. I didn’t want to worry you any more. You have plenty to think about without me adding to it.”

“Worrying about you is my job.” 

“Oh please.” Renata rolled her eyes.

“Promise you’ll come to me next time it happens. I’ll willingly never sleep again.” 

“I will.” Renata said, half muffled by a yawn. 

“Come on, it’s time for bed.” Celeste grabbed Renata’s hand and hauled her upwards to her feet. 

Renata trailed behind as she led her up the staircase, lazily following and feeling lighter than she had in recent memory. She wasn’t cured of her anxieties, they would likely live as long as she did, but there was a distinct pleasure in letting someone share the burden with her, to have someone looking out for her. Before she could get fully up the staircase Renata pulled ever so gently at Celeste’s fingers, causing her to pause and look backwards at Renata, only half visible in the dim light from the moon through the window. 

“I love you” Renata said, a reminder, a thank you, a promise all at once. 

Celeste stroked the skin on the middle of her palm, a reply in her own language. When she turned around and resumed her ascension to the second floor, she could’ve swore she heard from behind her a whisper concealed under breath. 

“You are good.”

**Author's Note:**

> Comments are deeply appreciated! I will continue to provide, in my own self interest, gay laura dern fics


End file.
